Grey pants, white shirt, red tie (with tiny

Shopping out of my league at Crystals

Hanukkah shopping is easy. All you have to do is find the present your mom bought your dad and sign your name to the card that’s attached to it. Then you sign your name to the card that’s attached to the gift your dad got your mom. And then you’re done.

That’s how I did it back in Michigan, at least. But I live in Las Vegas now, so I didn’t have access to my parents’ Hanukkah presents this year.

I chose option b rather, President Obama chose it for me. He told me that we need to “spend our way out of this recession.” He told me fake designer bags , Discount Replica Louis Vuitton Bags in so many words, that if I cheap louis vuitton bags from china uk didn’t go Hanukkah shopping this year, an impoverished family of five on Chicago’s 1:1 replica handbags south side would go hungry at Christmas. Some social worker would stop by their house, but instead of bringing food with her, the social worker would bring a photograph of me. She’d hand Fake Louis Vuitton Replica Bags the photo fake louis bag to the family and say, “Just so you guys know, this is the guy who killed Christmas.” The youngest child, staring at the photo and tearing up, would ask the social worker cheap louis vuitton bags from china uk , “Why would the bad man do that?” 1:1 replica handbags And then the social worker (also tearing up) would reply, “Because Rick Lax hates you. And because he hates America and the troops.”

Long story short, I went to Crystals to do some Hanukkah shopping.

Crystals, in case you haven’t heard, is the new high end retail component of CityCenter. According to the CityCenter press release, Crystals “showcases an unparalleled array of the world’s most exclusive retailers and will forever redefine the Las Vegas retail experience.” That sentence alone didn’t intimidate me (typical press release ese) but Crystals’ numerous unpronounceable store names did: high quality replica handbags china Ermenegildo Zenga, Assouline, Kiki De Montparnasse, Tourbillon your guess is as good as mine [1].

Then again, when it comes to retail shopping, I’m easily intimidated. On the few occasions I’ve visited Via Bellagio or the shops at Wynn, I’ve felt woefully underdressed. I felt as though the sales clerks were judging me because of it. So, before I headed to Crystals, I ransacked my closet and pieced together the wealthiest/Republicaniest outfit I could muster. Grey pants, white shirt, red tie (with tiny terriers) and a navy blue blazer (with polo horses embroidered on the breast pocket).

It was my first trip to the 17,000,000 square foot CityCenter, so I wasn’t familiar with the “parking situation.” I assumed I’d be forced to park at McCarran, at which point a bus would pick me up and take me to a tram that would take me to a water ferry that would drop me off within walking distance of Crystals. But I was wrong; one minute I was sitting in traffic on Las Vegas Boulevard, the next minute I was standing inside the mall.

Three cheers to whoever designed the CityCenter parking garage [2].

What it would look like if Bobby Baldwin bought the old Statute of Liberty torch. C. Escher’s “Relativity.”

Crystals opened on December 3 , but in a sense, it’s still opening. The place is still crawling with workmen in neon yellow hats and vests, and half the shops have yet to open. There are no gondolas or moving fountains or rainstorms, replica louis vuitton bags from china but the mall has visual quirks. Imagine what it would look like if Bobby Baldwin bought the old Statute of Liberty torch and stuck it in the aaa replica designer handbags middle of M. C. Escher’s “Relativity” and you’ll get the idea.

Like David Bowie at the climax of Labyrinth, I walked through Crystals in search of something nice for my mom a necklace perhaps and something personal for my dad. The first store I entered was Louis Vuitton, and the first replica louis vuitton bags gift possibility I spotted was a simple wooden chess set.

My father would like this, I thought.

“Would you like to take a closer look at the chess set?” the sales clerk asked.

“Please,” I replied.

She removed fake designer bags the set from the lighted shelf and set it down on the table in front of me. I picked up the black knight and passed it from hand to hand. It was heavier than I expected and had tiny golden buttons about a eighth of an inch in diameter for eyes. I returned the piece to its slot and peeked under the case for a price sticker.

“Are you looking for the price?” the clerk asked.

“Yeah. How much is it?”

“Let me go check for you.”

The clerk walked to the back room and closed the door behind her. One minute passed. Then two minutes. Then five. Jig’s up, I assumed. They figured out I don’t belong here and now they’re waiting for me to leave of my own volition so we don’t have to do things “the hard way.”

The clerk returned, and told me the price:

“Sixteen thousand, nine hundred.”

I pouted and nodded, as if considering the amount.

“I’m going to think about it for a bit,” I said.

And then I made a beeline for the entrance.

I walked through the mall in search of a more affordable sounding store, and I came across Tom Ford. I wasn’t familiar with the designer, but I figured that anyone with such a Middle American sounding name would know how to deliver a bang for my buck.

An orange robe at the center of the store caught my eye. I could envision a self deprecating pimp wearing it to a Pimps Hos theme party, and I could also envision giving it to my dad as a novelty gift. So I checked the price tag:.

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